fenrir's fen

sunday, february 27th, 2022

Sun, 27 Feb 2022 21:45:36 GMT

had another panic attack today. my 'clean streak' is slowly becoming a cutting streak, seeing as i seem to do it every day now. today it was actually for a reason though, as opposed to my usual ritual of cutting myself out of boredom or pure aesthetics.
the person who just recently started talking to me again after about a month of absence suggested that i follow his insta because i just made one yesterday, but i had to turn him down because he posts about being in a relationship which i dont want to see on my feed. i tried to explain it gently but i think i fucked up. he says he understands but im so anxious that i just scared him away again. what if he never wants to talk to me again? what if he thought id gotten better, more stable, and now ive just reminded him of the worst parts of myself? im shaking and i just stopped crying. im so so so scared he'll abandon me again. i dont want to drive him away. im trying so hard to be better, i really am. i hope he lets me have a chance to be better. i feel sick.

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saturday, february 26th, 2022

Sat, 26 Feb 2022 20:10:14 GMT

i knew she'd make my weekend hell. she always does. and she does it in a way that's always so subtle i feel insane for pointing it out.
she asks me to do something, i tell her i'll get it done, just not in that exact moment. i'm busy. then she accuses me of abusing her hospitality - despite me doing the chores she asked of me yesterday and a few more just for good measure - and tells me to go do my chore. so, whatever. fine. i go do it, then she pretends as though she knows i've done a bad job even though she hasn't even seen it, and tells me to go outside again and fix it. there's snow outside, btw. i did that, then came back inside. she mocks me and asks how badly i fucked it up so i answered flatly. she told me i had an attitude and told me to go apply for more jobs, immediately before turning the wifi off. newsflash, i cant apply for jobs if i cant access their webpages or use my phone to call anyone, so i had to tell her that the wifi was being weird. she said no, it wasnt the wifi, she'd just turned it off because i'd 'given her attitude.' i was confused because i hadn't, but she said 'agree to disagree,' so i figured i'd let her have this one just to get her off my back.
i just don't understand why she sets me up to fail like this. tells me to do a chore that of her own admission she thinks i don't know how to do and am bad at, then punishes me for not understanding how i come off when i speak. not only that, but punishes me in such a way that i can't even complete the other task she asked me to complete. if she didn't want me to keep fucking up at what she asked me to do, why would she make it actively harder for me to do it?
i can't wait to move out. i'm thinking of asking my dad to help me move in during august, because my 18th is on july 28th and i usually spend augusts with him anyway. i get so excited thinking about finally moving out of here. i worry for my sisters and what kind of hell she'll put them through in my absence as she did to me, but i suppose there isn't really anything i can do, seeing as most of her abuse is mental, which isn't taken seriously by any organization like cps. even then, it's all so subtle and manipulative that not only do i often doubt it's ever happened, but i feel dramatic for complaining about it or calling it abuse. but i know it is. it has to be. there's no way i act and feel so dramatically differently when i'm with my mother as opposed to my father, and there's no way she could be having such a drastic effect on me and my social life if she's not abusing me. i miss my hometown, and i haven't even been away for 4 full days yet. i want to go home, and i want to be out of this house forever. i never want to talk to her again.

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friday, february 25th, 2022

Fri, 25 Feb 2022 18:50:11 GMT

today's already been rather busy, and it's only 11 am!
the message i sent to that pedophile yesterday garnered me a horrible response, a nonsensical apology. it made me angry. so i decided i was going to ruin his life. i made an instagram account, the platform that all of his real life friends are on, and made a post with his confession in it. then i tagged all the people who seemed they knew him irl in his follower list. perhaps it was cruel, but im glad it was. id rather be cruel than let him hurt anyone else.

aside from that, ive realized why im feeling so anxious about the upcoming weekend. its because of my mom, as most things are. im worried that i wont have any time to relax at all, and that she'll put me to work in the snow again. thats what she usually does, but im dreading it especially hard today for some reason. sigh, i suppose thats just life.

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thursday, february 24th, 2022 [2]

Thu, 24 Feb 2022 23:54:41 GMT

broke my clean streak today...
not sure how to feel about it, to be honest... on the one hand, i talked so much about healing and getting better and now i've fallen back on my old crutch. but at the same time... my scars are so cute, and they were fading. i had to do it. i had to. well, maybe i didnt. but i wanted to. maybe i can still be healthy if i keep this up. maybe it doesnt have to be a display of my illness, maybe i can just do it and have it be unrelated to whatevers wrong with me. i can hope, anyway. id hate to think the scars i love so much will one day need to fade if i want to heal. maybe i'll post pictures eventually...

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thursday, february 24th, 2022

Thu, 24 Feb 2022 17:52:05 GMT

i think i want to start posting here at least once a day :3
i like the idea of an online journal, and so far only one other person even knows about it, so it feels safe and private.

i'll start off by talking about how i've been lately :3
since i've started taking my meds again, they really have been working. i think felicia was right about me, that i was scared to get into the routine because i didnt really know how to be anything other than mentally ill and in pain. i thought it was my entire personality, so by taking steps to get better i'd be erasing who i am. but i realize now that thats silly to think. my personality isn't that im suffering, it's how i act around others and what i like and what i think about. i think i get way too in my own head, and try to get into other people's heads too. but i can't do that, i can only be who i am. i think that's something i need to take time to remember.

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wednesday, february 23rd, 2022

Thu, 24 Feb 2022 00:43:48 GMT

someone who i thought had stopped talking to me for good just started talking to me again. just... out of the blue. it was sudden and out of nowhere, but since then we've gone back to exactly the way we were before. i hate to say it, but i suppose the time away gave us both time to reflect on everything and allowed me to become less dependent on him. im happy i was able to get through it this time instead of driving anyone away. it makes me hope that one day, maybe i can get better. maybe i can be better. i hope so, anyway. im so happy to have him back in my life again, and to feel like i havent ruined our relationship for good.

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