fenrir's fen

had another panic attack today. my 'clean streak' is slowly becoming a cutting streak, seeing as i seem to do it every day now. today it was actually for a reason though, as opposed to my usual ritual of cutting myself out of boredom or pure aesthetics.
the person who just recently started talking to me again after about a month of absence suggested that i follow his insta because i just made one yesterday, but i had to turn him down because he posts about being in a relationship which i dont want to see on my feed. i tried to explain it gently but i think i fucked up. he says he understands but im so anxious that i just scared him away again. what if he never wants to talk to me again? what if he thought id gotten better, more stable, and now ive just reminded him of the worst parts of myself? im shaking and i just stopped crying. im so so so scared he'll abandon me again. i dont want to drive him away. im trying so hard to be better, i really am. i hope he lets me have a chance to be better. i feel sick.